Magic Blake
by Team Damon
Summary: Take John Blake, add a healthy dose of physical exhaustion, frustration, alcohol, beautiful Italian women, a New Year's Eve party, and one of Selina Kyle's favorite DVDs, and Bruce Wayne's living room - and umbrella - may never be the same. Bruce/Selina, Blake/OC/coffee table... in other words, a darn good time.


**A/N: Consider this my New Year's gift to all of you guys :D this was inspired by JGL's SNL skit from a couple of months ago, brought to my attention by the incomparably awesome midnightwings96, who also requested this fic. I had a blast writing it and I hope you guys enjoy! Happy early New Year :D **

Down on the cold, hard basement floor that he'd just been knocked face-first on, John Blake groaned and rolled over on his back, glaring up at his "instructor" with unhidden frustration.

"You know," Blake spat, "if I wanted to spend all day getting my ass kicked, I'd be in Gotham."

Bruce Wayne chuckled reached a hand down to the younger man. "That's why you're here. So you _don't_ get your ass kicked when you do go back."

Blake took his hand and pulled himself up to his feet, smoothing down his clothes. "Yeah, well, you didn't tell me that you're a completely ruthless trainer. I think I broke a rib."

"I doubt that," Bruce said, taking a few steps away to pick up two bottles of water sitting on a box labeled "Books". The basement was very spacious, the bottommost level of the sprawling new house in Florence, Italy that Bruce and Selina had purchased only a month ago. What hadn't been unpacked had been tossed down here, which had been an unused area until Blake had paid them a visit. Now, it was the unofficial sparring and training room, and also where he slept.

Or, as Blake saw it, the room where Bruce beat the crap out of him and expected him to learn something from it.

Blake caught one of the bottles and said as Bruce gulped down his, "I'm serious. And look what you did to my face!"

He pointed to a bruise at his left temple, and Bruce swallowed a big mouthful of water, then replied, "I'm teaching you the way that I was taught. It's brutal and it sucks but it's the only way."

"Maybe I don't learn the same way as you," Blake said, and Bruce fought a roll of his eyes.

"You learn exactly the same way I do, actually. And you can start complaining when you almost die of hypothermia from getting thrown into an icy lake. Until then, you're going to have to suck it up."

Blake raised a brow but didn't comment, deciding not to ask for the story behind that one. "I'm just saying - I don't think I'm getting much of this."

Bruce sighed like a parent who was trying to hide their exasperation with a child who couldn't seem to grasp a simple concept. "I've told you what your problem is. You want to learn too fast. You try to rush through your fights, but that makes you sloppy. And then you can end up causing too much damage too quickly. You've got to learn patience."

Blake drained his bottle and then tossed it to the floor carelessly in frustration. "Yeah, well, the constant failure isn't helping."

Bruce watched the younger man beat himself up, perching on the edge of one of the boxes, frankly extremely tired of this. He'd been here for a few weeks now, and he was making as much progress as Bruce had expected from him, but he was intent on finding reasons to be disappointed with himself. But Bruce had spent years training in countless forms of martial arts and learning, molding his body into a fierce weapon, and Blake didn't seem to grasp that he was supposed to be sort of pathetic at this stage.

They'd been going all day, breaking only for lunch, and Bruce was ready to be done for the night.

"What do you say you take the rest of the night off?" Bruce suggested lightly. "It's New Year's Eve, after all. And if I don't help Selina with this ridiculous party she's throwing I'll never hear the end of it."

Blake sighed in relief. "Thanks. She's really throwing a party?"

"Yeah," Bruce grumbled. "She's made some new friends already and she insisted on a party. She bought half a liquor store just for tonight." When Blake's eyes brightened just slightly at this, Bruce quickly raised his brows and said, "No. _No_, John."

Blake rolled his eyes. "You're not exactly the boss of me."

"Alcohol's not going to do you any favors," Bruce said, referring to the effects of drinking on the body, and the generally good idea of staying away from it while trying to get one's body into peak shape. "And anyway... I've seen you drunk before."

He said it the way one recalled particular horrific life events, and Blake huffed. "You saw me tipsy."

"If that was you tipsy, then I never want to see you drunk."

Then a loud crash from upstairs got both men's attention. Selina's yell of "_Dammit_!" made them both grin before heading out of the basement.

They found Selina in the kitchen, cursing as she tried to clean up the mess of a shattered bottle of vodka on the hardwood floor. Bruce had to grin - she was using a combination of paper towels and a sponge to try to get it up.

Blake stood near the island in the center of the kitchen, where all the rest of the alcohol was sitting, eyeing it wistfully as Bruce leaned down to help Selina clean up. "Stop, Selina. You're making it worse."

She rolled her eyes and sat back on her heels, crossing her arms as he grabbed the sponge and tossed it in the sink. "Careful. There's glass everywhere."

"I know," Bruce said gently, replacing the sponge with a clean dishtowel. "I'll go out and grab another bottle while you get everything ready."

Selina sighed. "I'm sorry. Everything's trying to go wrong today."

"Don't apologize," he said, leaning in and giving her a soft kiss on her lips. "I don't mind."

"Thanks," she smiled, and as he stood up she did the same, grabbing a broom from around the corner and scrutinizing Blake's most recent injuries as she started sweeping up the glass. He was still staring somewhat longingly at the rows of bottles when she started needling him. "Thirsty, Robin?"

Visibly cringing at her use of his first name, he gave her a sarcastic smile. "Nope."

Bruce gave him a pointed look on his way out, and Blake rolled his eyes as soon as the front door was closed behind him. "Good God. You'd think I could at least decide for myself if I'm going to drink or not."

Selina grinned, shaking out a dustpan of glass into a trash can. "You know Bruce. And he's not wrong about not drinking while you're still training."

Blake sighed. "I'm not even a drinker. I can count on one hands how many times I've really drank in my life."

"Just want to take the edge off, then?" she guessed, approaching the other side of the bar.

He shrugged. "Maybe. Or maybe I've gotten hit in the head by Bruce Wayne one too many times and I'm trying to make questionable decisions."

Selina laughed, walking away and grabbing a shot glass from a cabinet, then returning to the island and opening a bottle of rum. "Maybe you should wear a helmet from now on."

Blake shot her a half-hearted glare. "You're a pain in the ass."

"I know," she replied, setting the shot down in front of him. "That's all I'm giving you. Don't tell Bruce. Actually, go ahead and tell him. I like it when he punishes me."

Blake made a face at her words, which made her laugh, and then he downed the shot rapidly. The burn was more pronounced due to his long abstinence from the stuff, but it wasn't unpleasant. "Thanks."

"Welcome. Now help me set up. The more you do for me, the more shots I'll think about giving you."

"Deal."

* * *

Selina's new friends that Bruce had told Blake about turned out to be a slew of young, beautiful Italian women, only a few of which spoke English, and all of whom chatted in their native tongues while shooting the house's only single man one flirtatious look after another.

Blake found himself returning their grins eagerly but awkwardly, intimidated by the sheer volume of women, not to mention the fact that he couldn't talk to most of them even if he'd wanted to.

After awhile, he managed to corner Selina in the kitchen while she mixed up a set of cocktails. Bruce had gone off somewhere and Blake wasn't going to waste the opportunity.

"Selina," he said urgently but quietly, "give me one of those."

"One of these? But these are cosmo-"

He grabbed one from her hands and downed the whole thing in one gulp.

"- politans. Very masculine."

"I don't care," Blake said, wiping the corner of his mouth with the back of his hand and setting the glass back down. "Can you tell me which ones speak English?"

Selina rolled her eyes, going to work on remaking the drink he'd just swiped. "The redhead and the two tall blondes. The redhead's been checking you out, so go for her. I'm about to kick the blondes out. They haven't stopped looking at Bruce's ass since they got here."

"Sounds good," Blake replied, eyes on the redhead now, distracting him. "I need another shot."

"Really? You have to be drunk to talk to a girl?" Selina asked, brow raised.

"To talk to one of these girls," Blake replied, "yeah, maybe."

"Drink what you want," Selina said, armed with a tray of the cocktails. "I wash my hands of you."

_Fantastic_, Blake thought, grabbing the bottle of rum and hurriedly drinking straight from it. He'd taken his last gulp of it when Bruce walked by and stopped in front of him, staring at him with a look that said _oh hell._

Blake swallowed and set the bottle back down, looking back at Bruce completely poker-faced.

Bruce continued to stare at him for a minute, then said, "Throw up on my carpet and I'll let Selina take over your training."

His eyes widened by just a fraction. "Fair enough."

* * *

Pumped full of liquid courage that was just starting to take effect and make his limbs feel a bit heavy, Blake put on his best grin and approached the redhead in the living room. She was standing near the fireplace, looking stunning in an emerald green party dress that contrasted wonderfully with her pale skin and bright red hair. He stepped directly in front of her and a brunette she was chatting with, put his elbow on the fireplace's mantle in an attempt to be casual, and chirped loudly to be heard over Selina's party music mix,, "Hi there."

Her brown eyes moved from her friend to him, amusement coloring them as she looked him up and down, a smile growing on her painted red lips. "Ah, hello."

His insides squirmed a little bit - why did her deep accent make him so nervous? - but he pressed on. "Having a good time?"

"That depends," she replied. "I think I could be having a better time."

Her brunette friend snickered and then walked away. "What's your name?"

"Isabelle," she answered. "Yours?"

"Robin."

_What the hell?!_ He instantly kicked himself mentally - he'd never introduced himself that way ever, ever, and he had no idea why he just had now. "Er - I mean John. I'm John."

She smiled, thankfully finding his stammering to be cute. "I think I like Robin better."

That would be his luck. Still, he wouldn't complain. "All right. We'll go with that, then."

From afar, Bruce and Selina watched as Blake fumbled with Isabelle, both trying not to laugh too hard at the scene.

"I told him he shouldn't drink," Bruce shook his head. "He's not going to get a single number tonight."

"I wouldn't be so sure," Selina said, sipping a glass of red wine. "In fact, I'll bet that he gets a lot more than just a phone number."

Bruce looked at her doubtfully. "He can't even talk to her without stuttering."

"I know Belle pretty well," Selina said. "She's going to find that cute. She's already been asking me about him. Wanted to know if he was off limits or not. I told her to violate him at will."

Bruce chuckled. "That's very generous of you. He'll appreciate that."

Selina shrugged her bare shoulders, on display in a deliciously deep red strapless dress the same color as her wine. "The more occupied he is... the more I'll have you to myself."

"Ah. An ulterior motive," Bruce grinned.

"Can you blame me? For the last three weeks you've been spending every single night with him instead of me."

"I'd much rather be spending my nights with you," Bruce murmured, leaning down and pressing a kiss to her neck. "I don't like neglecting you and your... needs."

"Well," she said, clutching her wine glass tighter as his breath ghosted over her ear, "you know what wine does to me, and this isn't helping right now... so if you don't stop I'm going to have to take you upstairs."

"Tempting," Bruce smirked, pulling away just a little bit, "but I don't think we should leave him down here alone."

"What's he going to do?" Selina asked, her turn to be doubtful. "We're talking about Blake. He's not exactly the type to swing naked from the chandelier."

Bruce gave her a sideways look and then said quietly, "Remember that time earlier this year that you went to Paris for some kind of girls' vacation thing with that French girl you know?"

"How could I forget," Selina muttered flatly. "By the second day I was so horny I had to resort to phone sex with you."

Bruce smiled distractedly. "Yeah, that was... memorable. Anyway... and you know how he came here to Florence while you were gone."

"Thought you could use some male bonding," Selina said slightly defensively, that particular visit having been her idea.

"My point is," Bruce said, "he got drunk one night at our old place, and he doesn't need a repeat of that whole... ordeal."

She whipped up her eyes to Bruce, suddenly intrigued. "What did he do?"

Bruce hesitated before replying, "He made me promise not to say."

Selina thought for a minute and then widened her eyes with a grin. "Did he kiss you? I've always wondered if -"

"God, no - no," Bruce said, eyes huge as he shook his head jerkily. "Geez, Selina, _no_."

"Damn," Selina shook her head. "That's too bad. The idea was kind of a turn on."

Bruce chuckled in exasperation. "God, Selina."

She grinned. "So tell me what he did do."

"I really can't..."

"Tell me or I'll get him so drunk out of his mind that he actually will jump you. And I'll take pictures of it and frame them so you never forget."

Bruce only paused for about a second before he finally spilled the details. "He took off all his clothes and tied a blanket around his neck, then ran outside screaming 'I'm Batman'."

Selina laughed so hard and so loudly that she got the attention of every single person in the house, including Blake, who looked even more awkward now, Isabelle having been dragged off to get more drinks by her brunette friend.

"You didn't let me finish," Bruce laughed as Selina slowly calmed down from her gales of laughter. "I was dragging him back inside the house, and then he puked all over me. All over me, it even got in my hair. And then he passed out and remembered none of it the next day."

Selina held her hand over her mouth, shaking with silent laughter, and Bruce watched as Blake headed silently into the kitchen, surely looking for more alcohol. Bruce put an arm around Selina's shoulders and said, "Tell him I told you and I'll make sure he stays for another month."

Controlling her laughing to a low giggle, Selina replied, "I love how we blackmail each other."

"Whatever works."

* * *

Later on, at one particularly low point of Blake's night, he ended up on the couch, nursing a mixed drink of some kind that tasted vaguely like strawberries but mostly like straight vodka, talking to no one despite the looks he was getting from all the girls that were present. They would talk about him in Italian and make sure he knew it, shooting him looks and talking amongst themselves, and it was driving him absolutely nuts. The good news was, however, that he felt his inhibitions slipping, and after realizing he had nothing to lose, he decided to just dive in.

First, though, he'd find the redhead again and try to hold her attention one last time.

He stood up and then watched the room spin in front of him for a moment, and he had to hold out a hand to regain his balance after swaying on his feet. Once he was satisfied that he wouldn't fall, he started wandering around, looking for the only head of flaming hair in the house.

He passed Bruce and Selina, who were mingling and being good hosts, and ended up finding Isabelle in the foyer, sandwiched between two friends.

He finished his drink and then set it aside, unaware that he'd actually set it in a potted plant, and then strode up to them confidently. "Excuse me, ladies," he said to the two friends, aware that they probably couldn't understand him, and then he simply walked up to Isabelle, grabbed her, and kissed her.

The two friends laughed heartily and backed away some, giving them some space as Isabelle giggled and wrapped her arms around the almost-stranger, letting him deepen the kiss. She tasted like rum and apples, and he tasted like a far stranger cocktail of all the random things he'd managed to get his hands on, but neither were complaining.

When they broke apart, Blake smiled and Isabelle giggled some more.

"Robin," she said, her strong accent not making him nervous this time. "It's not even midnight yet."

Blake shrugged. "I'll make sure I kiss you at midnight, too."

"I like that," she said, letting him kiss her again, and from the living room, Selina almost spit out her drink and then nudged Bruce in the ribs, gesturing to Blake and Isabelle.

"I told you," Selina chided. "Time to pay up."

"We didn't actually bet anything," Bruce replied.

Selina shrugged and then grinned suggestively, "I'm sure I'll think of some form of payment."

* * *

Soon after that surprising kiss, Bruce advised Blake to lay off the drinking, especially now that he'd pretty much achieved his goal, but Blake was too caught up in suddenly being the life of the party to pay much attention. Now the girls were all but swarming him, and Isabelle was translating some very ridiculous stories of his to the non-English speaking ones. Bruce shook his head when Blake announced that no, he wasn't Batman, in case anyone was wondering, or Nightwing - but that he was actually Aquaman and had the ability to talk to fish. He then promptly laughed so hard that he cried, and Bruce facepalmed.

Meanwhile, Selina was showing her DVD collection to some slightly bored friends, and when Bruce heard the giggles and exclamations in Italian from them, he got a sinking feeling in his gut. He watched as one of the girls scampered to the huge flat screen TV that sat mounted on the wall at the corner of the living room, and he knew what movie was going in without having to ask.

He'd seen it so many times now, just because Selina was Selina and had to play it as often as she could because she knew how much he despised it. Now he was about to watch it again, with a room full of tipsy women and a drunk "Aquaman", who was currently doing shots of tequila.

Selina sat down next to Bruce on the sofa, curling up at his side. "No girl can resist Magic Mike."

Bruce responded with a grunt.

"Maybe you should have a drink," she chided, holding his arm and resting her chin on his shoulder. "Loosen up a little."

"Not unless you want me to claim to be the entire Justice League and watch me and that idiot re-enact crimefighting."

Selina chuckled. "I'd rather you re-enact what we're about to watch."

Bruce glanced at the opening credits wearily. "Maybe later... if you're a good kitty."

Selina chuckled and made a purring noise with her tongue, and Bruce laughed, pulling her closer to him, unaware of what was about to happen in his living room in about fifteen minutes.

* * *

As it happens, a bunch of half- to fully drunk women in one room watching Channing Tatum rip off his clothes and thrust his pelvis over and over could turn into something completely scary, like said women begging Bruce to be their own personal Magic Mike for the evening.

Selina laughed hysterically while Bruce tried at first to politely tell them hell no, but they were drunk and persistent.

"Seriously... no."

They all started yelling at the same time, good-naturedly but shrilly, and Bruce looked helplessly to Selina, who had now joined in the begging herself. Just when he was about to head for his bedroom and lock the door to keep out the crazies, it was John Blake to the rescue.

"Hey, I'll do - ahhhhh!"

Bruce turned and looked just in time to see Blake faceplant as he exited the kitchen (after doing what he said was his final shot), tripping over his own feet.

"I'm okay," he announced, scrambling back up to his feet. "Anyway, I'll do it!"

The girls thought this was a fine compromise, and Selina let out a fresh round of laughter as Bruce shook his head dreadfully. Blake stumbled into the living room and Selina grabbed the remote, rewinding to the first dancing scene and pausing it until he was ready for whatever it is he planned on doing.

He was past the point of being simply drunk - he was wasted, but he felt great, and when Selina tossed him a black umbrella that she'd grabbed from a closet, he held it up in the air and smiled as the girls laughed. Selina pressed play, and Bruce prepared himself to see things that couldn't be unseen.

What Bruce found disturbing was not the way Blake held the umbrella down in front of his crotch and started swinging his hips, but that he was doing it without looking to the movie for reference. Then he opened the thing and held it over his head, doing a odd little dance before tossing it away to be caught by one of the girls, and then ripping his t-shirt off.

Laughs, giggles, cheers and demands for more filled the air - including all four from a highly entertained Selina - and Blake appeared to eat it up, swinging his shirt around and then tossing it at Isabelle. Then he jumped on top of the coffee table, which sat directly in front of Bruce, and gave a few thrusts before dropping to his hands and knees and, as Bruce would later say, violating an innocent coffee table. He ground down against it and Bruce looked over at Selina, who looked impressed, and then looked back when Blake got back up to his feet and made a show out of unzipping his jeans.

The one redeeming factor of it all, Bruce thought, was the fact that nearly all of Selina's friends were taking video of this entire thing with their phones, and Bruce would make sure Blake watched every second of footage tomorrow.

When the jeans slid down to his ankles and everyone got a good look at his dark blue boxers, he tried to kick the jeans off while simultaneously gyrating and ended up falling off the coffee table instead, face first on to the living room floor.

Gasps abounded, but Blake just laughed and then jumped back up, earning cheers all around. Bruce shook his head, deciding that enough was enough when Blake jumped on to Isabelle's lap and started rolling his hips against hers, giving her a lap dance and making her pale face turn a bright tomato red.

"All right," Bruce said, dragging him off a nearly hysterically-laughing Isabelle, "come on. I think you can call it a night now."

Blake laughed and laughed, laughing even harder when he turned towards Bruce. "Did you see? Did you -"

"I saw," Bruce rolled his eyes. "Very impressive. Maybe you should quit your day job, Aquaman."

Blake laughed again, hard, and then suddenly stared blankly into Bruce's eyes. Bruce furrowed his brow and then realized way too late to stop what was coming next.

For the second time in his life, Bruce found himself covered in Blake's vomit. It was in the ends of his hair and all the way down to his feet, an impressive feat considering the height difference between the two men.

When Blake straightened and slowly raised his eyes to meet Bruce's glare, a look of fearful dread overcame him, and the room became so silent that it was almost louder than ever.

Selina watched as Bruce continued to stare at Blake, letting the younger man's fear run wild for a moment before he finally spoke. "I'm going to kill you."

"I know," Blake muttered miserably.

Then Bruce stomped off to go take a fully clothed shower, and the chatter slowly started up again as Blake stared at the floor. Selina walked up to him and gave his shoulder a pat. "He's going to make your training a living hell now."

Blake looked at her for a moment, then lurched forward and barfed again, this time all over Selina's pristine white carpet.

"Okay," she said through gritted teeth, as the clock struck twelve and the new year arrived. "Now _I'm_ going to kill you."


End file.
